Apr. 10th, 2011

Feeling...

Apr. 10th, 2011 12:29 pm
melodyprower11: (Default)
Ah... It feels like a nightmare I can't wake up from right now. I'll turn around, and expect her to come barging through the front door. I keep adressing my other best friend by her name. MY sisters says something and I swear it sounds just like her.

It doesn't feel real at all.  Like some sick, horrible HORRIBLE april fools joke.

I really can't deny it, but it doesn't mean it doesn't feel that way. I went to the funeral. I saw her... I went in her room.

God she had so much of my old stuff. my magazines, my posters, my figurines, my pokemon and yu gi oh cards, my old sketch books, I found a few of my old shirts in her closet...

Her parents gave me her Shinee CD I bought her for christmas. I didn't really want it back.

I'm kinda glad to be in the dorm again now. it was really hard being at home. Everywhere I went all I had to do was close my eyes, or not even that, and I could see her.

At the gas station where we did late night snack runs. the Grocery stores that I hated shopping alone in, so she came with me. In every room of my house, from my old bedroom where we spent so much time, to my new one, where the only other Time i had stayed in was with her. The mall, Target, the beach. The restaurant we always went to, to starbucks.

We did everything together, so I guess its only fair that everything reminds me of her.

I went in her house and you practically see her standing there. it was tough. I kept expecting her to walk in the kitchen and try and feed me lunch. or put in her K-pop DVD in the living room and start dancing or something. Its so empty there now. so quiet.

This summer isn't going to be easy. She was over at my place or i was at hers literally, at least 3 or 4 times a week. We were in and out of each others houses all day long even on days we didn't spend together. It was routine, expected, that if we weren't busy with family or chores, that we were together.

and now she isn't there, and its just me... just me.  I don't like that. I liked being "Tori and Melanie" and now I'm not. I have other friends, but none that i spent as much time with or was as in tune with. Its really jarring. It was part of being home. when i'm here at my dorm its "tori". and thats fine. but its been a long time since its been just me at home. Sure my family is there. My other friends live right across town.

Apparently, its not the same for everyone. I mentioned this to my other best friends, and they were surprised. but for me and for Mel, we are , were, completely different around our family and around our friends. Its was really nice to just be able to let go and be myself, and know that neither of us had to live up to expectations that we normally upheld.

...

I'm just tired. Mentally, emotionally, physically.

I didn't sleep well last night. I went to her funeral yesterday. the thing at her house afterwards. out to dinner with my family. packed for my flight at 7 in the morning.

I held it together ,held it together, held it together all day. I wen tto bed about 11:30 and woke up at 2:00 in the morning. I dunno why. but I started crying. finally, it took so long. I'd been wanting to all day and I hadn't, and I don't think I've cried so hard in my life. One of these days I'll learn to cry around people. crying by myself is just depressing. My stuffed animals and pillow don't do me much good sometimes.

they sure are good a muffling the sound of sobbing though.

I thought about getting my mom, but i didn't wanna wake rher up, and eventually cried myself out around 3:30... and then my alarm went off at 4:30 for me to get up and get ready because we had to leave at 5:30 to go to the airport.

Ugghh so tired.

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