Smile Through Your Tears
Apr. 5th, 2011 10:09 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
melodyprower11Title:Smile Through Your Tears
Pairing: SiHanHae
Rating: M
Genre: Tragedy/Angst
Length: 1532
Warnings:Death, Suicide, Self-Harm, Blood, and Some language
Summary: This wasn't what he expected. Not this. And more than anything else, what would haunt him till the day he died, was the painted the others face.
“D-Donghae.”
Siwon stumbled forward a few steps into a room heavy with the mocking scent of blood, choked and gasped over his next words.
“Donghae. Get up.”
Silence.
Something snapped and Siwon rushed forward, finally breaking free of the binding spell of shock and surprise. He fell to his knees beside the limp figure laying next to the bed. Siwon grabbed Donghae’s shoulder and shook him, and when he gained no response he rolled him over.
Blood, the same substance that he knelt in, was soaking into his pants, was congealing on Donghae’s skin and smeared across his front, and a small bit trailing sluggishly from the deep gashes that marred his arms. The act of Siwon shifting the other man caused a knife to fall tumble from Donghae’s slack hand.
Siwon moaned and pressed on the wounds, vainly trying save him, hoping that it wasn’t too late. Blood clung to his hands and seeped into his skin.
“Donghae- Donghae don’t do this.”
It didn’t matter if Donghae was icy to the touch. It didn’t matter if no breath escaped his lips, his chest no longer rose and fell. It didn’t matter if the blood that Siwon so desperately wanted to keep from escaping was already pooled on the ground and painted Donghae in garish patches of red and rust.
“Wake up.” a plea, strangled into barely more than a whisper.
Donghae was alive.
He had to be. God, please don’t do this. Don’t take Donghae from him.
Siwon moved a hand from Donghae arm and dug it harshly into Donghae’s neck, but no pulse. He bent to down rest an ear against a motionless chest.
“Please, please. “
Siwon waits a moment, then two, and an eternity passes before he falls back and the world stops.
“Donghae…”
Eyes, so wide the whites show all around, desperation and fear shining brightly, turn to a pale face. Siwon gives up a broken laugh as he sees the small smile that quirks Donghae’s lips.
“Why, Hae?” He’s numb, as unfeeling as- as the god damned corpse that rests in front of him. This a nightmare, not reality. It can’t be real. Because Donghae would never ever do this. Donghae would never leave them alone like this.
Not Donghae who claimed he hated skinship, but would hug everyone if they were feeling down. Not Donghae whose smile could brighten up even the worst day. Not Donghae who crawled into the bed in the middles of the night just listen to your heart beat.
Not Donghae who had a secret smile just for them, the one that said, I love you, forever. Not Donghae who would stay up wait for you to get back from work. Not Donghae who he loved in return.
Not Donghae. Never Donghae.
God, he couldn’t do this.
“Donghae, come back please. This… w-why!? Why would you do something like this Donghae?” Siwon swipes a hand across eyes that stubbornly prickle but refuse to give him relief in the form of tears.
“Weren’t we enough? Weren’t the fans enough? Super Junior? Your family? Us? The three of us? Me and you and-”
“Siwon?” A voices echoes down the hall.
Oh God. Oh God.
The door creaks open from where it had drifted shut. They needed to fix that, the floats to mind. Donghae was always complaining about how his door never stayed open.
“You were taking a while so the others sent me to-” A sharp intake of breath interrupts the sentence. “Siwon? Whats- is that?”
Siwon turns a face that’s marred with a bloody streak from earlier, but still tear free, to the newcomer. He thinks, and takes a deep breath, struggling to find the words to say. In the end it comes out in a sickeningly matter of fact manner.
“He’s gone hyung.”
Siwon sees the familiar denial light up in the others eyes.
“This isn’t funny you two. S-stop it.”
“Han Geng. Donghae’s dead.”
Han Geng’s head shakes back and forth feebly, and he shuffles the few feet to come to rest besides Siwon. When he catches sight of Donghae, a half sobbed cry tumbles past his lips. Siwon is sure if Han Geng hadn’t already been kneeling, that his knees would have collapsed underneath him.
“Oh Donghae. Hae.” Siwon watches as a trembling hand reaches out to confirm what he already knows. That Donghae, their friend, band mate, and lover was gone. Seeing Han Geng, it was impossible to deny anymore.
Han Geng eventually brings a hand, to ghost over Donghae face, but not touch. An odd relief bubbles up in Siwon that Donghae’s face isn’t marred by the red that tips Han Geng’s fingers. A shuddering sob tears from Han Geng’s throat.
“Hae, baby, why? Didn’t you know we loved you? You could have come to us. But this.. Donghae- this wasn’t-” He breaks off and his eyes trail to the jagged wounds that rend apart the skin of Donghae’s arms. Siwon watches as Han Geng’s face screws up and he takes a few heaving gulps of air, before flinging himself away from Donghae’s body. He fumbles on hands and knees a few feet, before vomiting violently.
Siwon watches for a moment - really he should go check on him shouldn’t he?- before returning his gaze to Donghae’s face. The acrid scent of bile mixes with the cloying metallic of blood, and sends Siwon’s own stomach churning, but not enough to make him move.
After the sound of Han Geng retching subsides, the other stumbles back over and clutches at Donghae’s blood slick hand.
Siwon envies Han Geng the endless tears that seem to trickle down his face, anything would be better than the suffocating still that has taken over his body. He wants to feel something, cry and scream and vent, because this was Donghae and He, he should be expressing the fact that a part of his soul has been ripped out and shattered.
Right?
But instead, all he has is a creeping numbness only offset by the agonizing pain in his chest.
Siwon mumbles, eyes never leaving Donghae’s face. “W-we need to call someone hyung. And the others…”
But Han Geng is sobbing too hard to respond, bringing his forehead to rest against Donghae‘s, shaking hands grasping at the boys shirt. Eventually Siwon stands up and makes his way robotically to the door and down the stairs. He enters the living area where the rest of his band mates had gathered, and had started the movie that they were planning on watching.
Leeteuk turns to him, an apologetic smile on his face that is dropped for a look of horror and a gasp when he sees Siwon.
“Siwon! What happened!”
The movie is turned off and the lights flicked on as everyone turns to stare at him. Now, more than ever, Siwon is aware of the sticky blood that coats his hands and causes his pants to cling to his skin. Of the marks spread across his body where those same bloody hands had rested without realization.
Faced with 12 pairs of eyes, the cool numbness that has taken over his body cracks a little.
“He- Donghae, He…” a lump lodges itself in his throat and he can feel his eyes prickle once again.
Heechul is hesitant for once. “Siwon-ah?”
Siwon shifts from foot to foot, and looks around, eyes only registering the nightmare that was burned inot his mind scarce minutes before. The silence becomes almost deafening, before Siwon finally bursts out. “He’s dead! He killed himself!”
Instantly, Heechul’s eyes narrow in anger, and he leaps to his feet, practically spitting, “That’s not funny! Why the hell would you joke like that?!”
He crosses over to get up in Siwon’s face. “Seriously! What the fuck kind of stupid prank do you think this is? What is this, fake blood? That’s sick. “ he sneers in disgust.
Siwon searches Heechul face, a lost look creeping over his own for a brief moment before the calm shatters entirely. He shakes his head frantically and grabs Heechul’s shoulders. “Its not! I went to go get him.” A strangled sob, and he steps back, looking anywhere but at anyone, “ and then there was so much blood, and he was laying there, and then Han Geng came and-“
The world spins and Siwon stumbles and leans heavily against the wall, before sinking down to the ground. He brings his hands up to his face and stares between his fingers at the floor. “He was smiling. He was smiling!”
He raises his eyes to meet the horrified ones of his friends.
“Why the hell was he smiling?”
Leeteuk slowly gets to his feet, and looks around at everyone, before he and Heechul quickly dash up the stairs. The pained shout that echoes down, galvanizes everyone else into action, and before he can register it, Siwon is alone in the room.
He mumbles a prayer under his breath, and for the first time truly doubts his faith. Because no prayer would ever make this better. He shudders, and rolls his head to catch sight of Donghae’s cell phone resting on the end table.
Why, God?
And finally, the tears come.
aaaaaaaand. more death fic from me. This is the first Time I've ever written someone finding the dead body though. In the other fics I've written, there was either no contact with it, or not until they got to the hospital. so little different from normal.
I feel... like a morbid person now. This is the second time Donghae has killed himself in my fic.
*looks around* ah,![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
summer0smiles ? Summer, bb~ I love you, you know that right? *hides*
Pairing: SiHanHae
Rating: M
Genre: Tragedy/Angst
Length: 1532
Warnings:Death, Suicide, Self-Harm, Blood, and Some language
Summary: This wasn't what he expected. Not this. And more than anything else, what would haunt him till the day he died, was the painted the others face.
“D-Donghae.”
Siwon stumbled forward a few steps into a room heavy with the mocking scent of blood, choked and gasped over his next words.
“Donghae. Get up.”
Silence.
Something snapped and Siwon rushed forward, finally breaking free of the binding spell of shock and surprise. He fell to his knees beside the limp figure laying next to the bed. Siwon grabbed Donghae’s shoulder and shook him, and when he gained no response he rolled him over.
Blood, the same substance that he knelt in, was soaking into his pants, was congealing on Donghae’s skin and smeared across his front, and a small bit trailing sluggishly from the deep gashes that marred his arms. The act of Siwon shifting the other man caused a knife to fall tumble from Donghae’s slack hand.
Siwon moaned and pressed on the wounds, vainly trying save him, hoping that it wasn’t too late. Blood clung to his hands and seeped into his skin.
“Donghae- Donghae don’t do this.”
It didn’t matter if Donghae was icy to the touch. It didn’t matter if no breath escaped his lips, his chest no longer rose and fell. It didn’t matter if the blood that Siwon so desperately wanted to keep from escaping was already pooled on the ground and painted Donghae in garish patches of red and rust.
“Wake up.” a plea, strangled into barely more than a whisper.
Donghae was alive.
He had to be. God, please don’t do this. Don’t take Donghae from him.
Siwon moved a hand from Donghae arm and dug it harshly into Donghae’s neck, but no pulse. He bent to down rest an ear against a motionless chest.
“Please, please. “
Siwon waits a moment, then two, and an eternity passes before he falls back and the world stops.
“Donghae…”
Eyes, so wide the whites show all around, desperation and fear shining brightly, turn to a pale face. Siwon gives up a broken laugh as he sees the small smile that quirks Donghae’s lips.
“Why, Hae?” He’s numb, as unfeeling as- as the god damned corpse that rests in front of him. This a nightmare, not reality. It can’t be real. Because Donghae would never ever do this. Donghae would never leave them alone like this.
Not Donghae who claimed he hated skinship, but would hug everyone if they were feeling down. Not Donghae whose smile could brighten up even the worst day. Not Donghae who crawled into the bed in the middles of the night just listen to your heart beat.
Not Donghae who had a secret smile just for them, the one that said, I love you, forever. Not Donghae who would stay up wait for you to get back from work. Not Donghae who he loved in return.
Not Donghae. Never Donghae.
God, he couldn’t do this.
“Donghae, come back please. This… w-why!? Why would you do something like this Donghae?” Siwon swipes a hand across eyes that stubbornly prickle but refuse to give him relief in the form of tears.
“Weren’t we enough? Weren’t the fans enough? Super Junior? Your family? Us? The three of us? Me and you and-”
“Siwon?” A voices echoes down the hall.
Oh God. Oh God.
The door creaks open from where it had drifted shut. They needed to fix that, the floats to mind. Donghae was always complaining about how his door never stayed open.
“You were taking a while so the others sent me to-” A sharp intake of breath interrupts the sentence. “Siwon? Whats- is that?”
Siwon turns a face that’s marred with a bloody streak from earlier, but still tear free, to the newcomer. He thinks, and takes a deep breath, struggling to find the words to say. In the end it comes out in a sickeningly matter of fact manner.
“He’s gone hyung.”
Siwon sees the familiar denial light up in the others eyes.
“This isn’t funny you two. S-stop it.”
“Han Geng. Donghae’s dead.”
Han Geng’s head shakes back and forth feebly, and he shuffles the few feet to come to rest besides Siwon. When he catches sight of Donghae, a half sobbed cry tumbles past his lips. Siwon is sure if Han Geng hadn’t already been kneeling, that his knees would have collapsed underneath him.
“Oh Donghae. Hae.” Siwon watches as a trembling hand reaches out to confirm what he already knows. That Donghae, their friend, band mate, and lover was gone. Seeing Han Geng, it was impossible to deny anymore.
Han Geng eventually brings a hand, to ghost over Donghae face, but not touch. An odd relief bubbles up in Siwon that Donghae’s face isn’t marred by the red that tips Han Geng’s fingers. A shuddering sob tears from Han Geng’s throat.
“Hae, baby, why? Didn’t you know we loved you? You could have come to us. But this.. Donghae- this wasn’t-” He breaks off and his eyes trail to the jagged wounds that rend apart the skin of Donghae’s arms. Siwon watches as Han Geng’s face screws up and he takes a few heaving gulps of air, before flinging himself away from Donghae’s body. He fumbles on hands and knees a few feet, before vomiting violently.
Siwon watches for a moment - really he should go check on him shouldn’t he?- before returning his gaze to Donghae’s face. The acrid scent of bile mixes with the cloying metallic of blood, and sends Siwon’s own stomach churning, but not enough to make him move.
After the sound of Han Geng retching subsides, the other stumbles back over and clutches at Donghae’s blood slick hand.
Siwon envies Han Geng the endless tears that seem to trickle down his face, anything would be better than the suffocating still that has taken over his body. He wants to feel something, cry and scream and vent, because this was Donghae and He, he should be expressing the fact that a part of his soul has been ripped out and shattered.
Right?
But instead, all he has is a creeping numbness only offset by the agonizing pain in his chest.
Siwon mumbles, eyes never leaving Donghae’s face. “W-we need to call someone hyung. And the others…”
But Han Geng is sobbing too hard to respond, bringing his forehead to rest against Donghae‘s, shaking hands grasping at the boys shirt. Eventually Siwon stands up and makes his way robotically to the door and down the stairs. He enters the living area where the rest of his band mates had gathered, and had started the movie that they were planning on watching.
Leeteuk turns to him, an apologetic smile on his face that is dropped for a look of horror and a gasp when he sees Siwon.
“Siwon! What happened!”
The movie is turned off and the lights flicked on as everyone turns to stare at him. Now, more than ever, Siwon is aware of the sticky blood that coats his hands and causes his pants to cling to his skin. Of the marks spread across his body where those same bloody hands had rested without realization.
Faced with 12 pairs of eyes, the cool numbness that has taken over his body cracks a little.
“He- Donghae, He…” a lump lodges itself in his throat and he can feel his eyes prickle once again.
Heechul is hesitant for once. “Siwon-ah?”
Siwon shifts from foot to foot, and looks around, eyes only registering the nightmare that was burned inot his mind scarce minutes before. The silence becomes almost deafening, before Siwon finally bursts out. “He’s dead! He killed himself!”
Instantly, Heechul’s eyes narrow in anger, and he leaps to his feet, practically spitting, “That’s not funny! Why the hell would you joke like that?!”
He crosses over to get up in Siwon’s face. “Seriously! What the fuck kind of stupid prank do you think this is? What is this, fake blood? That’s sick. “ he sneers in disgust.
Siwon searches Heechul face, a lost look creeping over his own for a brief moment before the calm shatters entirely. He shakes his head frantically and grabs Heechul’s shoulders. “Its not! I went to go get him.” A strangled sob, and he steps back, looking anywhere but at anyone, “ and then there was so much blood, and he was laying there, and then Han Geng came and-“
The world spins and Siwon stumbles and leans heavily against the wall, before sinking down to the ground. He brings his hands up to his face and stares between his fingers at the floor. “He was smiling. He was smiling!”
He raises his eyes to meet the horrified ones of his friends.
“Why the hell was he smiling?”
Leeteuk slowly gets to his feet, and looks around at everyone, before he and Heechul quickly dash up the stairs. The pained shout that echoes down, galvanizes everyone else into action, and before he can register it, Siwon is alone in the room.
He mumbles a prayer under his breath, and for the first time truly doubts his faith. Because no prayer would ever make this better. He shudders, and rolls his head to catch sight of Donghae’s cell phone resting on the end table.
Why, God?
And finally, the tears come.
aaaaaaaand. more death fic from me. This is the first Time I've ever written someone finding the dead body though. In the other fics I've written, there was either no contact with it, or not until they got to the hospital. so little different from normal.
I feel... like a morbid person now. This is the second time Donghae has killed himself in my fic.
*looks around* ah,
summer0smiles ? Summer, bb~ I love you, you know that right? *hides*
